redundant post

slpless night yet again. it’s been weeks. it’s funny how i still have images and memories of you in my head every now and then but thank God, i’m still going strong and breathing. i guess i’m someone who always treat r/s as a serious matter,not trivial or sth that can be messed ard with, simply cos it concerns the most fragile organ.

i nvr have the idea of breaking or playing with someone’s heart, hence i’ll rather be honest and make things clear from the start. for me, lies shldn’t even exist. so it’s really disappointing to know you lied to me when i asked about your situation with your ex, a few times throughout. if only you’d told me you’re still hoping for your ex, i wldn’t even contemplate falling for you. it’s still clear in my mind the convos we had; you used to say, you won’t get over someone until you’ve found another guy, when i asked if you’re still thinkin abt your ex. & you once told me, nah you don’t like him no more,it’s over. you used to share certain stuffs that happened in your life and i’ll always make it a point to listen,even when at times i was really tired. i still rmbr how u were freaked out by a stalker at the IT show, and a certain lady at the coffeeshop when you’re out buying dinner. you used to ask which girl i was with, when i told you i was at CompassPoint,having dinner aft training. and i’ll still rmbr the days i used to wander near your place, and the texts we used to exchange before i cld muster the guts to ask you out for dinner. and the first time i stepped onto Buangkok on the 1st dinner date, i thought you looked so cute i forgot abt my fatigue (i won’t forget how beautiful your eyes were).& i rmbr feeling bad eatin w you while your grandma was unwell at that moment. i still rmbr your dad always goes fishing on mondays, and how i wish i cld join him. you used to say how you wish you live beside me. and you used to say u dreamt of us, when i told you i dreamt of you. and some limitations/weaknesses you had, i’ve always been able to accept and brush them aside, so sometimes i wonder if it’s the same case for you. and yes, we were nvr together from the start, and how foolish i was to think that maybe you needed time and i jst needed tonnes of patience. the words you said aft you changed so suddenly, not only hurt me. they shattered my heart,along with the hopes and dreams.

you know, how much i miss you even after such a long period. even after the heart got crushed like a car in a major accident. you know how i keep thinking of your well-being every moment, just praying and hoping you’re well and happy. i rmbr i was worried-sick in sch the whole day when you txted me you’re ill during that freakin flu period, and to know you’re okay took the worry off my chest.and i rmbr txting you first thing on results day when i woke up, and to know u pulled thru all your modules eclipsed the disappointment i felt when i looked at my own grades (i meant it when i told u i’ll be the happiest person that day). Not that i don’t wanna speak or keep in contact with you (i still rmbr your hp no), but i’m just apprehensive with regards to your reactions. i’m afraid i’ll annoy or disturb you somehow if i do. i’m afraid everything will repeat itself again,and this heart is not ready to get embroiled in another round of pain. you know, how i’d think of you when i came across places that we’ve been to or close to where u stay. you know, how i’ll think of you when it comes to dinner; i still rmbr you like fish more than chicken. and the craving u once told me u had; sorbet. you know, how i’d think of you when there’s this urge for me to get to know a gd-looking girl. and i thought of you when a girl from another class approached to get my number. you know, how the thoughts of you’d appear in mind when i was watching New Moon and some other movies, at the theatre. and you know, how the twinkling stars in the pretty nightsky will remind me of you when i walk down the streets and look up above, jst like how i used to after my night class last sem.

you know, how pissed i was when just now, a cousin remarked you ain’t pretty after she saw a picture of you. and at this moment, i’m still upset. and you know, how hard it is for me to move on even after several attempts and persuasion from my buddies who kept telling me to forget you,you’re not worth it after the treatment u gave/stuffs you said & did,you’re happy with your ex and that i’m only hurting myself,my goals and future,etc.  because i listen to my heart more…

~real grateful to mum,cousins and close buddies who have supported me lots.they’re always there for me and i thank God for that.they’re the reasons i’m still kickass fine and sane.

my final post in this underground wordpad of mine.

a ptless post to let this pain ive been hiding,out.(no one will ever read this anyway)

i knew it; my guess was right jst that she didn’t tell me the truth.she’s still thinking about her ex.my mistake; how foolish i was to believe that she’s gotten over her ex.like how a buddy put it, ’she’s jst using you as her companion aft her break-up.now that perhaps she’s patched up with her ex again or doesn’t need you anymore,she dumped/left you.it’s like this analogy;she lured you into the trap she’s in,then when you’ve fallen into the trap,she got herself out and left you in there alone,in pain.’ even though i dislike it when others speak bad abt her, i think it made sense. but still,my heart says that she’s not that kinda girl.the things she said to me recently,broke my heart till it bled.even though i tried hard to hide this pain and tell others i’ve moved on,i know deep inside i can’t get over her and forget her.its like im crying alone inside.sometimes i’ll text her askin her and checkin on her,out of sincere concern.but i know its ptless.the replies were always non-reciprocal and apathetic,so unlike the girl i knew bck then.and i’ll wish her gdnight whenever i can before i sleep,cos she once told me this; i’m not so heartless as to not wish you gdnight before i sleep,superman.yes she calls me that,even i am amazed.

i pretend to be strong at times,saying i wont crumble cos it’s my own mistake,but i know im weak and suffering deep inside,esp when the thoughts of her come into mind.i know i’ve not fallen for her for nothing,i didnt plan or expect it to happen at all.i’m one who will never confess to a girl whom i know doesn’t have any feelings for me,i’m not that naive.that’s why when she denied and made it seem as if she didn’t even like me from the start,saying that she didnt know what she’s done that sparked it and if she’d known,she’d have stopped,it really broke me down.and then to tell me it’s jst a mere infatuation,with such ease aft those things we’ve said and done bck then,has she forgotten?…and to tell me she’s gotten over me when i least expected it,it’s shocking.that explains my silly reactions.i wonder where i’ve gone wrong,if i’ve hurt her or there’s sth i’ve done that didn’t go well with her.even if i did,i swear i nvr meant it. strangely,she said she’s tryin not to like me,she’s been forcing herself to get over me,etc…it hit me real hard till my brain could only register one word: Why?…   i’ve nvr thought she’ll be that heartless. manipulation,lies,false sweet-talks…yet i still cant bring myself to hate and forget her.she’s not the girl i knew. immaturity,reasoned my cousin. i wont blame her,perhaps i’m jst not gd enough for her. i’ll keep learning and improving for sure,but to end up like this kills me really…realising i was her rebound? naturally,anyone has every right to be upset aft being treated like one,but i jst cant seem let this anger show/flow on her. i shall continue on another day,it’s jst too overwhelming for me at the moment.

10/11

i still rmbr everything,even from the start;the places we went to,every little funny and sweet things she said and did,her Uncle Bob,Aunt Pat and cousin Clint in Texas,her blur-ness,etc.i’ll nvr forget those,for sure.and i mean every single word i said.i wish she knows how hard it was for me during the certain period whereby i was facing my own problems.i had to endure with the black clouds hovering over me and it was certainly tough,but i kept telling myself to be patient and stay strong.then, the illness i had to contend with,it wasn’t easy.yet i kept them to myself and hid the pain i was suffering.i tried what i could to please her (although at times i failed),even when i was really busy and tired.nvr once did i regret. to me,her presence was enough to alleviate the pain/tiredness i was having.she was like my remedy.then this incident had to happen,it’s the last thing that i wanted.it’s making it worse,the soul feels kinda empty inside.ive nvr felt pain this much before,i rmbr waking up one morning with a sharp sting in the heart i cld hardly breathe. i wonder when the broken heart will ever heal.but for sure,her name will always be engraved in it. i may have sounded foolish,emo,etc, but i miss the old her,cos this love I have for her has always been sincere. and this is the truth that comes from deep within.

~the most impt thing for me is you’re happy,nvr mind if i get hurt or sth.and thats the reason why i will let u go and get over u,just like how u want it.it’s nvr my choice,i’m just following your wants.your happiness is my everything and I hope the guy you’re with will nvr break your heart again.to love someone who wont love you bck is really painful to take.but i’ll still treasure those nice and happy moments with u.you’re the best thing that had ever happened to me.

u might have denied everything, so live and breathe denial with your ‘perfect’ baby. till u think and rmbr all the things u’ve said and done.

time is the remedy

before he slps,he needs to relieve this chunk of memory in here albeit the fact that he’s freakin tired/jaded.

~just felt like it was yesterday we cousins all went/rush to sec school together in the early morning, now she’s already married ! unbelievable and how swift time flies. im proud of her, prays she has an awesome and prosperous life ahead. i love my cousins.~

sighs..this isn’t easy;it hurts, & drains the mind and emotion. he’s jst not gd enough. confusing much. ;(

Was Fehler habe ich getan?

dang it,i’ve never felt this dispirited/down before.its like the soul’s empty and all the body parts are made of metals,IC chips and screws with only a damaged/sunken heart that assures that im still human.

oh i finally found this!~

moments

ok quick one,gotta archive this memory.

conversations i had which give me the energy/boost needed during this crazy period.

“eh aku miss nary ah.and the times kita tinggal sebelah2.miss the feelings man!”

“yeah same.rodee!time2 kat hotel,lunch,dinner,supermarket,traffic yg gila,island semua uh”   

“and walking down the alley mlm2.haha aku miss milo!takde kat s’pore seh botol besar gitu,tuang air bleh dpt 2 botol.then hari2 kau nk check email haha.kena beli card internet tu semua..”

“yup aku miss the time aku send dia email and facebk comments kat lobby uh haha.then kau kat sebelah tlg aku apa nk tulis haha.kena gigit nyamuk semua.”

i miss Cambodia… and spoke to a cousin abt our future, goals, plans, cars, investments, uni, etc. reminisced our secondary sch days; track and field, funny moments, etc…

meanwhile, it’s June isn’t it? S’pore Arts Festival, sales, etc & tests+projs!

full-leash moment

  Isn’t it amazing when u realised u fell ill twice in a space of 2 wks?just that the 2nd illness was a lot more intense and got u bed-ridden for 3 1/2 days; missing sch and lots of other things.besides the obvious issue of having to play catching up,u need to get the body and mind back to working/brilliant state.u need to recover the weight,white blood cells,momentum,confidence,etc that u’ve lost.and that needs TIME.but when it’s in a phase where everything starts to get intense and more challenging,the ‘recovery period’ seems meaningless.sometimes u just feel like relenting and drown in the sea of total madness.

i gave a weak front kick and got a big blow in my face,just when i thought i’ve almost recovered from the virus.and i screwed up again moments later,strangely foolish.hope it wasn’t as bad as i thought.i hear my projects/notes warning+threatening me…

thetroubledsoul

i just feel like writing now to alleviate these thoughts.i’ll delete these when i feel it’s no longer impt to be archived here.

When im down,i love sitting alone on the slope and looking at the stars at night.the beauty and mystery of the twinkling stars just blow me away.it’s as if trying its best to speak to and console the troubled…

looking at those amazing creations of God the Almighty,Praises be upon Him,i feel a lot better.it somehow encourages/reminds me to be grateful and wakes me up.sometimes ill self-reflect and realise how much wrong and sins ive done.i know its not easy to be impeccable,im just an ordinary person.sometimes i get too engrossed with worldly matters till i forget abt my real purpose in life,my responsibilities as a Muslim.i forget that the world is impermanent.and the challenges i face everyday,sometimes i forget that these are meant to test my faith and shows that God loves me.He will never test His creations with something that is beyond his/her capability.and certain issues that happened,i know only God knows the real extent of it,He’s All-Knowing.and anything that happens,theres certainly wisdom behind it.there’re so much more i need to learn and improve.i know it’s not easy,there’ll always be sinkholes or pitfalls,but i have to keep working,insha-Allah ill become a better person.and yes,i just can’t please everyone. 

Tranquility from God

add the tranquillity,silence and coolness of the night,it’s simply breathtaking…

…II

im sitting near the verandah reading an article and trying to complete my sch projects,albeit the fact that it’s 2.30am.i got distracted/bored,hence the typing of these words.well,maybe i shall stop writing in this memorable/historical wordpad and withdraw into my shell,like a hermit. 

i scrolled from the first post to the last,i saw the product of my objective;to archive some things online lest it may fade away with age/time.of course,more things had happened and will happen but you’ll never know what the future holds.only God,the All-Knowing,knows and thus,to Him ill always ask for mercy and help.

im bewildered by certain issues.from social to political ones,etc.(in the bckground,93.8 is discussing abt marital issues,school,gambling,etc!).i ask,why do some tend to reach a conclusion/contribute an idea even w/o knowing anything abt that particular topic.or simply,an idea/stand shld be backed with evidence or rational reasons,only then the related parties could benefit and avoid unnecessary problems.besides,it doesnt require 1000KJ to ask or even think!

case study:israel’s attack on Palestine (below elaborate my thoughts better)

Into the Abyss: Gaza and the Crisis of Political Morality

Gaza: In The Hangman’s Rope 

If he who knows not would simply remain silent, disputation would stop. – Socrates

bread&butter.feat potatoes & vanilla milkshake

as usual,there’re trillions of issues circulating in both brilliant & curious inventions called brain and media respectively.but sadly,when a sleep/rest is in need due to a certain degree of fatigue,one just says,”a sleep is a sleep”.so here’s;

Exercise, sleep cuts cancer risk: study

Nap without guilt: It boosts sophisticated memory

Is superfood omega-3 keeping its promise?

meanwhile,

Shaykh Hamza Yusuf Meets the Pope

and useful articles at Islam way.

check out this space aft e mid-term papers.(to any kind soul reading,if there’s any)

……

for fear of brain overload?

1)”Responsibilities,patience,self-reliance,determination,right mindset,etc”.im young,growing up and still learning(for sure i make mistakes,but i try to learn from them).i’ve always believed one has to keep improving in life.no one is ever perfect,no matter how good you are.and i wont forget the days when i woke up myself and prepare my own pre-dawn meal at 4/5am,all alone,when my parents and siblings were away.it felt like the dull-version of the film “Home Alone”.oh yes,the memorable & unique experience of watching the inaugural F1 night race;S’pore GP;from the grandstand.thanks dad!

2)Relishing the prospect of speaking basic German.(prefer French,still)

3)Economic recession,rising cost of living,conflicts,corruption,environmental probs,poverty,etc.these are what u get when you a)flip open the newspapers b)watch the news c)read articles online.(at least more worthwhile than articles like “how to burn 10 kilos in 10 days” or some other daft gimmicks)

4)Visiting the tranquil beach alone and de-stress.shady trees,cool breeze,waves doing hopscotch on the fine sands,clear blue sky which resembles a mirror where u can self-reflect and introspect.at the same time,to be grateful to God for His ni’mat.

5)Theatre “Sidang Burung” in Esplanade generates a certain degree of deep-thinking and philosophy.for me,it’s like a poetry in motion,artistic and metaphorical.certainly not an easy play to interpret.only after looking at the whole pict(the brochure helped a bit!) did i realise what it was all about.

6)aku terlihat gadis itu lagi;di luar studio teater esplanade.terkejut tapi alhamdulillah,ku bisa tenang dengan gaya selamba yg sudah menjadi kebiasaan apabila ku merasa malu.tiba-tiba ku rasa seakan disuntik inspirasi…  

memory

in a bid to archive the experience/memory online lest they somehow fade away,this words are penned down painstakingly yet imperatively.(time:4.39am)

just got bck from outing with ex-classmates in NP.watched a virtuosic musical performance by NP Strings at dbs auditorium (creepy vicinity not meant for food-lovers).good,ludicrous jokes-couldnt stop focusing on that petite girl playing the guitar-during the performance.other than that,most of the time was spent wondering if im the one playing an acoustic on stage (no more those dull songs definitely).

then off to watch Death Race,at DG.one word;amazing.great graphics,cool racing cars and acting/ladies.and like other few inspiring movies,one becomes spirited and the notion of pulling sth related tends to surface.nevertheless,were given a ride on a friend’s BMW.journey home took a twist as the car accidentally entered the Wdlands Immigration Checkpt;apparent long wait in late night/early morning (pity no passport).finally free,raced home.memorable/useful experience with nice lads.

ok fasting month’s back!brings back good memories as well as another chance to make amendments.and check this heavenly fruit out pls-FIGS.(mentioned in the surah At-Tin and also in the hadith:

Abu ad-Darda r.a narrated that the Prophet(s.a.w) said,“If I could say that a fruit was sent down from Heaven (to earth), I would say it is figs, because the Heaven’s fruit has no stones. Eat it, as it cures hemorrhoids & it is useful for treating gout.”)