my final post in this underground wordpad of mine.

a ptless post to let this pain ive been hiding,out.(no one will ever read this anyway)

i knew it; my guess was right jst that she didn’t tell me the truth.she’s still thinking about her ex.my mistake; how foolish i was to believe that she’s gotten over her ex.like how a buddy put it, ’she’s jst using you as her companion aft her break-up.now that perhaps she’s patched up with her ex again or doesn’t need you anymore,she dumped/left you.it’s like this analogy;she lured you into the trap she’s in,then when you’ve fallen into the trap,she got herself out and left you in there alone,in pain.’ even though i dislike it when others speak bad abt her, i think it made sense. but still,my heart says that she’s not that kinda girl.the things she said to me recently,broke my heart till it bled.even though i tried hard to hide this pain and tell others i’ve moved on,i know deep inside i can’t get over her and forget her.its like im crying alone inside.sometimes i’ll text her askin her and checkin on her,out of sincere concern.but i know its ptless.the replies were always non-reciprocal and apathetic,so unlike the girl i knew bck then.and i’ll wish her gdnight whenever i can before i sleep,cos she once told me this; i’m not so heartless as to not wish you gdnight before i sleep,superman.yes she calls me that,even i am amazed.

i pretend to be strong at times,saying i wont crumble cos it’s my own mistake,but i know im weak and suffering deep inside,esp when the thoughts of her come into mind.i know i’ve not fallen for her for nothing,i didnt plan or expect it to happen at all.i’m one who will never confess to a girl whom i know doesn’t have any feelings for me,i’m not that naive.that’s why when she denied and made it seem as if she didn’t even like me from the start,saying that she didnt know what she’s done that sparked it and if she’d known,she’d have stopped,it really broke me down.and then to tell me it’s jst a mere infatuation,with such ease aft those things we’ve said and done bck then,has she forgotten?…and to tell me she’s gotten over me when i least expected it,it’s shocking.that explains my silly reactions.i wonder where i’ve gone wrong,if i’ve hurt her or there’s sth i’ve done that didn’t go well with her.even if i did,i swear i nvr meant it. strangely,she said she’s tryin not to like me,she’s been forcing herself to get over me,etc…it hit me real hard till my brain could only register one word: Why?…   i’ve nvr thought she’ll be that heartless. manipulation,lies,false sweet-talks…yet i still cant bring myself to hate and forget her.she’s not the girl i knew. immaturity,reasoned my cousin. i wont blame her,perhaps i’m jst not gd enough for her. i’ll keep learning and improving for sure,but to end up like this kills me really…realising i was her rebound? naturally,anyone has every right to be upset aft being treated like one,but i jst cant seem let this anger show/flow on her. i shall continue on another day,it’s jst too overwhelming for me at the moment.

10/11

i still rmbr everything,even from the start;the places we went to,every little funny and sweet things she said and did,her Uncle Bob,Aunt Pat and cousin Clint in Texas,her blur-ness,etc.i’ll nvr forget those,for sure.and i mean every single word i said.i wish she knows how hard it was for me during the certain period whereby i was facing my own problems.i had to endure with the black clouds hovering over me and it was certainly tough,but i kept telling myself to be patient and stay strong.then, the illness i had to contend with,it wasn’t easy.yet i kept them to myself and hid the pain i was suffering.i tried what i could to please her (although at times i failed),even when i was really busy and tired.nvr once did i regret. to me,her presence was enough to alleviate the pain/tiredness i was having.she was like my remedy.then this incident had to happen,it’s the last thing that i wanted.it’s making it worse,the soul feels kinda empty inside.ive nvr felt pain this much before,i rmbr waking up one morning with a sharp sting in the heart i cld hardly breathe. i wonder when the broken heart will ever heal.but for sure,her name will always be engraved in it. i may have sounded foolish,emo,etc, but i miss the old her,cos this love I have for her has always been sincere. and this is the truth that comes from deep within.

~the most impt thing for me is you’re happy,nvr mind if i get hurt or sth.and thats the reason why i will let u go and get over u,just like how u want it.it’s nvr my choice,i’m just following your wants.your happiness is my everything and I hope the guy you’re with will nvr break your heart again.to love someone who wont love you bck is really painful to take.but i’ll still treasure those nice and happy moments with u.you’re the best thing that had ever happened to me.

u might have denied everything, so live and breathe denial with your ‘perfect’ baby. till u think and rmbr all the things u’ve said and done.

lampcalculatormug feat. mindstudybreak

nw that’s cool vibrato by the lass. support ur local talents/music!

bck to work.bahh i dreamt of someone again,unexpectedly. 

moments

ok quick one,gotta archive this memory.

conversations i had which give me the energy/boost needed during this crazy period.

“eh aku miss nary ah.and the times kita tinggal sebelah2.miss the feelings man!”

“yeah same.rodee!time2 kat hotel,lunch,dinner,supermarket,traffic yg gila,island semua uh”   

“and walking down the alley mlm2.haha aku miss milo!takde kat s’pore seh botol besar gitu,tuang air bleh dpt 2 botol.then hari2 kau nk check email haha.kena beli card internet tu semua..”

“yup aku miss the time aku send dia email and facebk comments kat lobby uh haha.then kau kat sebelah tlg aku apa nk tulis haha.kena gigit nyamuk semua.”

i miss Cambodia… and spoke to a cousin abt our future, goals, plans, cars, investments, uni, etc. reminisced our secondary sch days; track and field, funny moments, etc…

meanwhile, it’s June isn’t it? S’pore Arts Festival, sales, etc & tests+projs!

…

……

for fear of brain overload?

1)”Responsibilities,patience,self-reliance,determination,right mindset,etc”.im young,growing up and still learning(for sure i make mistakes,but i try to learn from them).i’ve always believed one has to keep improving in life.no one is ever perfect,no matter how good you are.and i wont forget the days when i woke up myself and prepare my own pre-dawn meal at 4/5am,all alone,when my parents and siblings were away.it felt like the dull-version of the film “Home Alone”.oh yes,the memorable & unique experience of watching the inaugural F1 night race;S’pore GP;from the grandstand.thanks dad!

2)Relishing the prospect of speaking basic German.(prefer French,still)

3)Economic recession,rising cost of living,conflicts,corruption,environmental probs,poverty,etc.these are what u get when you a)flip open the newspapers b)watch the news c)read articles online.(at least more worthwhile than articles like “how to burn 10 kilos in 10 days” or some other daft gimmicks)

4)Visiting the tranquil beach alone and de-stress.shady trees,cool breeze,waves doing hopscotch on the fine sands,clear blue sky which resembles a mirror where u can self-reflect and introspect.at the same time,to be grateful to God for His ni’mat.

5)Theatre “Sidang Burung” in Esplanade generates a certain degree of deep-thinking and philosophy.for me,it’s like a poetry in motion,artistic and metaphorical.certainly not an easy play to interpret.only after looking at the whole pict(the brochure helped a bit!) did i realise what it was all about.

6)aku terlihat gadis itu lagi;di luar studio teater esplanade.terkejut tapi alhamdulillah,ku bisa tenang dengan gaya selamba yg sudah menjadi kebiasaan apabila ku merasa malu.tiba-tiba ku rasa seakan disuntik inspirasi…  

memory

in a bid to archive the experience/memory online lest they somehow fade away,this words are penned down painstakingly yet imperatively.(time:4.39am)

just got bck from outing with ex-classmates in NP.watched a virtuosic musical performance by NP Strings at dbs auditorium (creepy vicinity not meant for food-lovers).good,ludicrous jokes-couldnt stop focusing on that petite girl playing the guitar-during the performance.other than that,most of the time was spent wondering if im the one playing an acoustic on stage (no more those dull songs definitely).

then off to watch Death Race,at DG.one word;amazing.great graphics,cool racing cars and acting/ladies.and like other few inspiring movies,one becomes spirited and the notion of pulling sth related tends to surface.nevertheless,were given a ride on a friend’s BMW.journey home took a twist as the car accidentally entered the Wdlands Immigration Checkpt;apparent long wait in late night/early morning (pity no passport).finally free,raced home.memorable/useful experience with nice lads.

ok fasting month’s back!brings back good memories as well as another chance to make amendments.and check this heavenly fruit out pls-FIGS.(mentioned in the surah At-Tin and also in the hadith:

Abu ad-Darda r.a narrated that the Prophet(s.a.w) said,“If I could say that a fruit was sent down from Heaven (to earth), I would say it is figs, because the Heaven’s fruit has no stones. Eat it, as it cures hemorrhoids & it is useful for treating gout.”)

inspirasiku,realiti/fantasi?

Sewaktu dlm perjalanan pulang dlm mrt,gerabak yg kunaiki lalu di stesen Admiralty.Secara kebetulan,seorang gadis yg kelihatan familiar (mungkin dlm mimpi),berdiri di platform luar,menanti utk memasuki kabin sebelah.Pertama kali,mataku tertarik pada wajahnya,seakan seperti berbangsa kacukan.walaupun sekilas saja,ku tahu hatiku berdebar punya sebab.lebih memeranjatkan lagi,beliau keluar di stesen yg sama dgnku.kucuba menghampirinya tapi ternyata beliau begitu pantas hingga ku terpaksa melihatnya pergi dari pandanganku.

AyAt ayAt CintA.

i was beginning with the novel but with the film coming out soon here.and what with the busy schedule(lotsa things to work on;assignments,revisions,trainings,etc).

nevertheless,really looking forward to the premiere.anyone??:)

trailer-

is it kismet?

 there’s something special abt waking up early and watch the sun rise.and it’s really uplifting to watch a dawn break,thinking abt the chances and possibilities of a new day,with a tinge of optimism and energy.

sometimes when im out enjoying myself,be it in sports or with family/friends,thoughts of those kids ard my age who are less privileged creep into mind.some have to work multiple jobs to assist their family while some face anomalies such as poverty or struggle against chronic/deadly illnesses.honestly it scares me and i feel moved.so i think it’s very impt to always appreciate things in life and be thankful,for ive seen for myself how those ppl persevere to enjoy a normal life amidst such predicaments.such ppl give me inspiration & motivation in my pursuit for success/goals while teaching me exemplary values.

life’s never been free of trials,distractions,setbacks,etc.and sometimes you feel so dispirited that the mind goes blank,the heart turns heavy,hands tied up in the sky,feet wedged firmly into the ground and soul feels empty.well,that’s when patience and positivism become imperative.here’re some quotes to ponder-

‘it’s all in the mind’ -roger federer

‘champions take chances,pressures are privileges’ -some king who txt maria sharapova in the aus open final

‘the part can never be well unless the whole is well’ -plato

‘a little with quiet is the only diet’ -scottish proverb

‘the art of medicine’s generally a question of time’ -ovid

‘learning to be aware of feelings..is an essential lifetime skill’ -joan borysenko

‘imagination is the eye of the soul’ -joseph joubert

‘we must always change,renew,rejuvenate ourselves;otherwise we harden’ -goethe

‘try not become a man of success,but rather try become a man of value’ -albert einstein

ps:we can’t always get everything we want.

hello…

stumbled upon an interesting poetry- ‘the girl in green’…so decided to create a version based on my thoughts.here’s ‘girl in white’,

the girl in white

so neat yet so bright

the girl in white

just happened to be in sight

saw you in my dreams

thought you were cool

but then again it seems

I was feeling like a fool

your smile revealed those teeth

made me shrink in beneath

you’re not fazed by the crowd

while I looked on without a doubt

oh girl in white

clad in silk so light

dancing around in the moonlight

looked so elegant as you glide

you appeared gentle and petite

and sang with impeccable note

frolicking to every beat

 as if you’re in blissful abode

oh girl in white

you are so sweet

you left me in your stride

almost made it impossible to meet

girl in white

wish could hold you tight

made me think and think

hey wait a minute, is that a ring?