a ptless post to let this pain ive been hiding,out.(no one will ever read this anyway)
i knew it; my guess was right jst that she didn’t tell me the truth.she’s still thinking about her ex.my mistake; how foolish i was to believe that she’s gotten over her ex.like how a buddy put it, ’she’s jst using you as her companion aft her break-up.now that perhaps she’s patched up with her ex again or doesn’t need you anymore,she dumped/left you.it’s like this analogy;she lured you into the trap she’s in,then when you’ve fallen into the trap,she got herself out and left you in there alone,in pain.’ even though i dislike it when others speak bad abt her, i think it made sense. but still,my heart says that she’s not that kinda girl.the things she said to me recently,broke my heart till it bled.even though i tried hard to hide this pain and tell others i’ve moved on,i know deep inside i can’t get over her and forget her.its like im crying alone inside.sometimes i’ll text her askin her and checkin on her,out of sincere concern.but i know its ptless.the replies were always non-reciprocal and apathetic,so unlike the girl i knew bck then.and i’ll wish her gdnight whenever i can before i sleep,cos she once told me this; i’m not so heartless as to not wish you gdnight before i sleep,superman.yes she calls me that,even i am amazed.
i pretend to be strong at times,saying i wont crumble cos it’s my own mistake,but i know im weak and suffering deep inside,esp when the thoughts of her come into mind.i know i’ve not fallen for her for nothing,i didnt plan or expect it to happen at all.i’m one who will never confess to a girl whom i know doesn’t have any feelings for me,i’m not that naive.that’s why when she denied and made it seem as if she didn’t even like me from the start,saying that she didnt know what she’s done that sparked it and if she’d known,she’d have stopped,it really broke me down.and then to tell me it’s jst a mere infatuation,with such ease aft those things we’ve said and done bck then,has she forgotten?…and to tell me she’s gotten over me when i least expected it,it’s shocking.that explains my silly reactions.i wonder where i’ve gone wrong,if i’ve hurt her or there’s sth i’ve done that didn’t go well with her.even if i did,i swear i nvr meant it. strangely,she said she’s tryin not to like me,she’s been forcing herself to get over me,etc…it hit me real hard till my brain could only register one word: Why?… i’ve nvr thought she’ll be that heartless. manipulation,lies,false sweet-talks…yet i still cant bring myself to hate and forget her.she’s not the girl i knew. immaturity,reasoned my cousin. i wont blame her,perhaps i’m jst not gd enough for her. i’ll keep learning and improving for sure,but to end up like this kills me really…realising i was her rebound? naturally,anyone has every right to be upset aft being treated like one,but i jst cant seem let this anger show/flow on her. i shall continue on another day,it’s jst too overwhelming for me at the moment.
10/11
i still rmbr everything,even from the start;the places we went to,every little funny and sweet things she said and did,her Uncle Bob,Aunt Pat and cousin Clint in Texas,her blur-ness,etc.i’ll nvr forget those,for sure.and i mean every single word i said.i wish she knows how hard it was for me during the certain period whereby i was facing my own problems.i had to endure with the black clouds hovering over me and it was certainly tough,but i kept telling myself to be patient and stay strong.then, the illness i had to contend with,it wasn’t easy.yet i kept them to myself and hid the pain i was suffering.i tried what i could to please her (although at times i failed),even when i was really busy and tired.nvr once did i regret. to me,her presence was enough to alleviate the pain/tiredness i was having.she was like my remedy.then this incident had to happen,it’s the last thing that i wanted.it’s making it worse,the soul feels kinda empty inside.ive nvr felt pain this much before,i rmbr waking up one morning with a sharp sting in the heart i cld hardly breathe. i wonder when the broken heart will ever heal.but for sure,her name will always be engraved in it. i may have sounded foolish,emo,etc, but i miss the old her,cos this love I have for her has always been sincere. and this is the truth that comes from deep within.
~the most impt thing for me is you’re happy,nvr mind if i get hurt or sth.and thats the reason why i will let u go and get over u,just like how u want it.it’s nvr my choice,i’m just following your wants.your happiness is my everything and I hope the guy you’re with will nvr break your heart again.to love someone who wont love you bck is really painful to take.but i’ll still treasure those nice and happy moments with u.you’re the best thing that had ever happened to me.